Wedding Speech

The Wedding Ceremony Presided over by Phes - Storm Knight of Talos

"Please bear with me – this is my first time…. Before we get started, I have an important health and safety announcement to make.  In the unlikely event of a fire, flood or other calamity, please make your way, in a calm and orderly fashion to the nearest building – Not the one right behind me here – that’s spoken for – no, you’ll need to find your own. Clear? – yes? Good – Well, with that out of the way, on we go…" 

"Dearly beloved who are gathered here today, the unwashed, unfortunate and unworthy, dear friends and family, …under the divine power given to me by sweet Talos – Bhaelros (the Lord of Storms), Kozah (the Harbinger of Fury), The Almighty Destroyer, …we have gathered under his benevolent and terrible watch, to bring together this unlikely, yet remarkably committed couple, ..."

"Maura   Pennicks?  Fenis??  Fen-nix! – …Good-o

-       High Priestess of fate and fury,

-       Mistress of mischief,

-       fleshy lock-picker of disturbing deftness, and

-       our veritable ‘ghoul next door’.

And…

Tatter-der-mallion - of the Baldur’s Gate Slangwangers

-        colluvial stormcaster

-        lovable layabout,

-        capricious spellslinger, and

-       rakish knave of the highest order.

…are brought together in the most holy of unions. So far so good? Yes???"    "Where was I – oh yes…"

"Under the tempestuous dominion of his great and terrible reign and the chaos that subjugates our great civilization (…blah, blah, blah), I hereby ask you two, the most solemn of questions. "

"Do you, [Bride name - erm… Maura], promise to remain faithful to, passionate with, and in whatever degree of cold, cloying union that Tatters deserves, under the unblinking gaze of Talos the Destroyer? "

" Do you, [Groom name - erm… Tatters] Promise to remain ever vigilant, protective and selfless when it comes to your bloodless spouse’s eternal happiness… and future family? "

"Stalwart Tatters – most agreeable Maura, …this assembled throng, …the citizens of Sharra and… …the Gods themselves, have heard your solemn vows and now bear witness to your public devotion and to this joyful union. You now may burn your names into the alter as one – forever joined, the most sacred of bonds, for all to see."



"Talos has given his blessing to this connubial couple. It now falls to me to pronounce thee, husband..... and  …wife, you have been united under the law and lightning of Talos, may you go in whatever peace and fortune you collectively deserve.   Etcetera, etcetera…"

"I would recommend that gifts for the lovely couple be left on the side table – they wanted me to thank you for your generosity and remind you that Talos is watching  - so dig deep now, you hear.  After that you are all cordially invited to join us on the patio for some goat curry canapes, Yuan-tea cocktails and the finest musical performance seen this side of the Reaching Woods for many a year."